


confidence issue

by Nadler



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: 2017-2018 NHL Season, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-09
Updated: 2018-04-09
Packaged: 2019-04-20 11:36:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14260110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadler/pseuds/Nadler
Summary: It's hard to keep in touch.





	confidence issue

**Author's Note:**

> fun fact: "melancholy kari/nemo at habs, bad at talking" was the working title. This title is no better.

Keeping in touch with Antti was difficult. Not only because of the time zone difference, but also because it was difficult talking. 

It didn't help that they had little to talk about, not with Antti's season beginning the way it did. They commiserated over the state of the league: Antti had to make a _barehanded_ save. Kari didn't complain about being a backup, not when he was adjusting, and Antti's season was much worse. It could only get better. 

After Antti won his first game, they still said little. Kari couldn't remember who thought a phone call was a good idea, but it was: 

"Good game." 

"Yeah, it was." 

"You're better than your press." 

"It'd be hard not to be." 

There was a measure of not quite comfortable silence after. It was resigned, and Kari might have been embarrassed if anyone told him how long they listened to each other's breathing in silent darkness, but they were both there. 

 

Kari hadn't felt like he'd talked to someone who quite understood in a long time. Ben's fine; he's a goalie, and they're friends, but sometimes Kari made a joke and got a blank stare back, a polite smile that told Kari that he didn't quite get it. Antti would have laughed or told Kari he wasn't funny, even while he would show the tiniest hint of a smile around his eyes. Kari could talk to Ben about the game, and he did, but Kari did more talking with Jeff about working on his game and technique and he looked at more tape during long practices than he used to. 

And sure, Esa and Julius were Finnish. They talked more than Jyrki did, but that wasn't difficult. Some plants talked more than Jyrki did. That didn't mean they wanted to talk to Kari much; he sat in the back of the bus, mostly, and they and the Swedes crowded up front, and sometimes, Kari felt too old to really understand them. In games, it was comforting, and Kari adjusted fine to being able to yell at his defensemen in Finnish, some of the time. It filled in the chatter during timeouts, but neither Esa or Julius came to Kari with their problems, and he's pretty glad for that. 

 

Texting went a little easier. 

They had time to put words to thoughts, but neither of them talked much about their lives, and if the other wanted to know, well, the score page was right there. So Kari mostly started occasional conversations, and Antti answered more than he would have otherwise, and they didn't talk about the future. 

Sometimes, it'd be weeks between conversations, and Kari wasn't waiting forever on a reply. He wasn't. Occasionally, Antti would send a picture of some weird beer they'd have to try, and Kari could almost match them one-for-one (there were a _lot_ of breweries in Dallas). 

It wasn't the same as talking. They didn't do much of it, not about this thing they had, about late nights in hotel rooms and weekends spent together, but they didn't need much talking, then. Kari knew where he stood with Antti. That wasn't so bad, considering everything else he couldn't know. They didn't talk when Montreal came to Dallas, either; there wasn't time, for one, and for another, Kari didn't even dress that game. 

But. Every team plays twice a year.

Antti texted him after the plane touched down, asked Kari if he wanted dinner, and Kari didn't say no. Kari didn't go back to his hotel room after. Everyone on the team had gone out or done something; he thought Rads mentioned something about shopping, and the young guys were always ready to go out for something or another. So he went back with Antti to see that he hadn't actually been living out of a duffel bag. He shouldn't still be, at any rate. 

This was the time for pleasantries about the season, but mostly, Kari admitted, "This wasn't what I meant when I wanted to play more games." He settled into one of the chairs in Antti's very temporary apartment. It looked like a magazine cover, and Kari wondered how much time he actually spent here. 

Antti's silence wasn't as reassuring as it used to be. He took his own seat, handed Kari some coffee like a semi-gracious host. "You know you shouldn't wish for things like that."

Kari grimaced. "That hasn't worked for you?" 

"A little." Antti smirked, the corners of his mouth moving in that infuriating way of his.

He'd missed this fucker. 

He wouldn't say it, of course. 

Mostly, there was so much to say face-to-face, but it also felt like there was nothing. Their problems were small and petty, and the season would be over as soon as they knew it; the Habs wouldn't make the playoffs. The Stars, well, still could. Kari shouldn't be thinking ahead, but he couldn't help but look around at the sterile, modern lines of Antti's apartment and remark, "Haven't done much decorating, have you?" 

"Haven't needed to." Antti tapped the side of his coffee mug. "I don't plan to." 

Antti didn't say anything about him not having a contract next season, but Kari didn't need words to hear it. "I haven't burned your house down," Kari said, with a smile he couldn't hide. 

Antti nodded. "There's still that, yes. But that's not for now."

It was true. It wasn't. There was season left, and Antti still had to prove the Habs and the league they didn't make a terrible choice in not giving up on him. Kari was aware of how close they were, that if Kari wanted to, he could reach out and just touch Antti, take his hand and--and what, Kari didn't know. 

"Summer," Kari said. "You'll deal with it then. It isn't so far away." 

"We will," and Kari didn't need anything else to know it was a promise. 

"And for now, we go day by day." Kari was being realistic. He couldn't project what would happen and neither could Antti. 

"Don't wallow, Kari," Antti told him, and Kari knew it was partly to get a rise out of him, but a little contrary defensiveness bubbled up to the surface. "It doesn't look good."

Kari frowned.

"It definitely doesn't," and Antti may have said that, but then he looked at Kari like it was still last summer, like they were still winning and losing together, a little soft around the edges. 

Kari looked back and leaned in. 

In the morning, they had different places to be.


End file.
